Found on the Wayback Machine, this is an archive of Samuel Rafael Water's transition diary. Sam is a female-to-male transsexual who was in his early twenties when he began his transition. The diary spans 1997 - 1998, documenting his changes on hormone replacement therapy, as well as his top surgery and name change.11/21/97
Okay, so it's not quite December yet. I wish it was, but that's another story, which I may or may not tell. A lot has happened (as per usual) since my last entry. The biggest thing is I got my Driver's Lisence change. New state, new name, new gender (BIG GIGANTIC GRIN). Turns out in New York state, they have something called the six-point system as a way to prove your identity. It's primarily if you lose your liscence or something, but it works for common law name changes, too. You just need to show 6 points worth of ID-some count differently than others. There's an express office downtown that I went to, b/c I heard they were faster and prolly wouldn't give me problems. Turns out that was right. I went in, filled out the form, got my picture taken, then went and saw the clerk. First I gave her my birth certificate, my old liscence, and my phone bill as proof of address. Then I threw all my ID as Sam at the clerk and explained I wanted my name changed using the six-point system. She sifted through and found stuff that'd work. She ended up using my SS card (2 pts.), my bank card (2 pts.), and my Columbia and employee IDs (one point each). And viola, $35 later, I had a new liscence! Well, a temporary one (for some reason in this state they send you your permanent ID 4-6 weeks later) That makes me a little nervous, that they'll change their minds, take away the M or something. I didn't have any problems getting the M, either. I didn't mark anything on the form (I figgered I'd prolly have to do some explaining) but she just gave it back, said I had to mark something, so I did. She coulda cared less, didn't give me any funny looks, nothing. Whole thing only took about 30 minutes, too. Afterwards, I went to group and exalted a bit, and some of the guys treated me to dinner after group. I'm pretty much completely legal now-hell, in some states I could legally marry a woman! Very cool, if slightly wierd to contemplate.
So now I'm getting ready to go home to my parents' house for thanksgiving. It should be...well, interesting. I'm going right after work on Wed., so I'll be in a shirt and tie. I've never worn a shirt and tie in front of my parents....I don't think they've even seen a picture. So that'll be interesting, to say the least.
I bought a down comforter at Macy's the other day, which was cool. When I was buying it, tho, the woman first referred to me as she (grrr...but the place looked like a hurricane had hit it, so she coulda just been tired), then when she was finishing up said "You sound like an older man but I woulda thought you were only about 12!" I just shrugged and said I'd ended up w/ a baby-face, and she said her son had the same problem. It was kinda nice to know that genetic guys have that too...tho I'll still be glad when I stop looking so young.
I've come to the ocnclusion that my new glasses make me like girlier...I went from not being able to pass as a girl to getting miss'ed before I open my mouth (there are nice things about having a baritone....) So I'm wearing contacts to see if that makes a difference.
As far as surgery, I'm still waiting to hear...and getting really impatient! It's funny...when I first started binding, the constriction drove me half mad, but then I got used to it and didn't even notice. Lately, tho, it's started driving me nuts! All I can hope is soon....At least it's getting colder, so after work I can only wear the looser one home...the jacket covers pretty much everything, but the looser binder keeps stuff from jiggling too much.
I've changed my T dosing some, too. Rather than 200mg (1 cc) every other week I'm giving myself 100mg (1/2 cc) every week. I was having hot flashes that were driving me crazy, but on this new schedule they've stopped. I also don't have those couple days at first where I'm kinda irrationally irritable, and my acne's gotten better. I'm gonna stick with this for a while, see if it works okay.
I know more has happened, but I'll be damned if I can remember it! Well, my thesis is almost done, so I'll have a little more time then to keep up with this.
12/18/97
Well, let's see...the biggest news is that my insurance has flat out rejected my request for a breast reduction. I'm now trying to fight w/ them to figure out why they decided this when they haven't reviewed my case and when both my doctor and my surgeon both say it's medically necesary...Frustrating as all hell, to say the least. And a bit depressing. I was hoping at this point to possibly even have it done...So I kinda feel like I'm drifting right now. I'm going to fight with my insurance company some, maybe talk to my surgeon...I'm getting to the point where I NEED to have this done, both physically and emotionally. I've gone from feeling ambivalent about my tits to actually hating them and even dreaming about cutting them off. But what can I do right now, short of getting a razor blade and doing it myself? Oh well....*sigh*
Beyond that everything isn't too bad. I FINALLY turned in my thesis, or at least most of it, which was a BIG relief. I'm getting out of my job at the Seminary b/c it's really stressing me out and screwing up school. I can get workstudy, which pays almost as well, and is more flexible. I also don't have to worry as much about being stealth there. So that's another relief. I also am trying to move out of my apt. to get away from my obssesively clean roommate and the hour+ commute I have. Living back around school, taking classes, and working insignificant jobs is kinda nice.
Right now I'm also looking forward to going home for Hanukah/Xmas (yeah, I'm one of those mixed-marriage kids...) OH! I never got to talk about Thanksgiving here! It went great...my parents seemed kinda uncomfortable at first, but they got over it. I'm not trying to pressure them at all, but they're trying very hard to get everything right. At home they're working on calling me Sam, which is really nice. When we're out, my mom (I didn't go out w/ my dad, he was laid up) was REALLY good about calling me Sam, he, and-best of all-"my son". I even went and bought a new pair of dress shoes (real ones, Florsheims, not cheap payless shoes!). It's not perfect, but I really think they're doing great. I'm so proud of them! So now, I'm looking forward to going home.
Lessee...I KNOW there was something else I wanted to rant about, but I can't remember for the life of me. Well, hopefully I'll start having a little more time to work on this in the near future, so I'll put it in then.
2/2/98
Wow...ltn-write...well, an awful lot has happened since the last time I was able to write...prolly explains why I haven't written, too :) Lessee...well, I went home for the winter break...or at least two weeks of it. I was only planning on staying a week but I put in a letter of resignation before I left for home, and they called to tell me that I didn't need to come back in. Which was fine, except it left me at home longer :P I love my family, and they are trying really hard, but it's downright schizophrenic for me to be home. I end up with six names and three genders and my whole family seems embarassed by me. It's also really wierd going home and being put into girl roles again. It really threw me off balance, and I still haven't recovered. As far as specifics...well, I got my mom to watch "You don't know Dick", but I'm not sure it helped. My dad....I don't know about my dad. The whole time I felt so inbetween, not me...and contrasting that to how great my parents treat my sister's bf...almost like a son....it was really hard...
So that was tough...I mean, they are trying, but I'm not sure I can be around them much til they actually get it...even calling them is hard lately.
So anyways, I get home from all of this, I'm home a week, when my roommate asks to talk to me. I sit down, and she tells me she wants me to move out, she's "uncomfortable" with me in her house. She tells me one month, she's changing the lock...I ask her for a bit of leeway (finding a place in NYC is hard...esp. on my budget), give me till the end of Feb. if I can't find a place in a month...no deal, one month, changing the locks. Fortunatly, there are some good ppl in the city, and I know some of them. I sent a mass email to ppl I know in NYC (almost all genderfolk) asking them to let me know if they hear of a place. Lo and behold, one of my friends was looking for a roommate...she lives near school (I can walk), the rent is cheaper, the apt.'s nicer...So I moved the next to last weekend in Jan., thank god. Wasn't really happy about being someplace I wasn't welcome.
A problem I've been having lately is that I don't seem to be passing all the time anymore...I don't know what it is, my clothes are the same, my hair's the same, my voice is the same...About the only thing I can think of is that my visit home REALLY threw me off kilter, made me much more unsure of myself. Now I'm finding that I'm nervous using the men's room again, that I'm just not comfortable and having a hard time getting comfortable again.
One thing that did help...I got the chance to go see Kate Bornstein speak at A Different Light. I can't always hold the feeling, but she made me feel really special again...and very much a guy at the same time. Not to mention she made me really question gender again, which always helps. I had a realization, too. Why on earth should I be so goddamn afraid of these ppl, why should I give them permission to decide what gender I choose to be? And y'know, if they get it wrong, I want to correct them! Make them be the ones embarrassed. I tried it at the bakery where I've been getting bagel and coffee in the morning...the guy there kept calling me "sir..er, ma'am" everyday, and I was getting tired of it...So I'm there one day, and and the guy does it again, and I said "Nope, had it right the first time". He got all flustered and apologized a couple times...it was kinda fun! I'm still not passing all the time, but I'm passing better again!
Oh....my facial hair is begining to grow a bit....I def. get scruffy after a few days...I'm trying to see if I can grow some 'burns before the true spirit conference. Prolly not good ones, but it's worth a shot. Anyways...that's all for now!
2/11/98
I went and saw my surgeon last week. He told me he'll do the surgery for $5000. He doesn't do financing himself, but instead referred me to a financing company. I'm not even going to bother with that...I'm a student with no steady income and massive student loans already. So now I'm stuck trying to find the money. I have about $1000 in the band right now, but I'm not sure if I can save that...I'm not making enough right now to pay all my bills, and I'm having a tough time finding another job that'll fit w/ my class schedule. I thought about cutting down my registration-registering for half-time or quarter time, but I would've had to do that 2 weeks ago. Now the only way to get any refund is to withdraw compeltely, but that reverts my financial aid, so I'm guessing I'd be stuck w/ the 30% tuition I have to pay as a penalty. I'm going to go talk to someone at the graduate school anyways, but it isn't looking like an option-I'm stuck in school biding my time until this summer. And to top it all off I still owe the school some $450...sucks.
The only thing I can think of to do is wait until May, finish up this fucking degree, work two FT jobs over the summer, and pray that I get a fellowship next year b/c otherwise I just can't go to school-I won't be able to afford it.
Part of me is REALLY wishing I coulda stayed clueless while I was a student...then at least I'd have some sort of income coming in which I could save. Who knows, maybe a miricle will happen....tho I doubt it.
3/6/98
Oy, so much happening...I got to go to True Spirit Conference, which was wonderful. Always nice seeing a bunch of guys, tho I admit, I didn't see as much of the conference as I could've (well...I got to meet someone very special from online for the first time....) I was on a panel called "Care and Feeding of Squeamish Parents" which was really cool. It was the first time I got to hear from parents of transppl what they themselves go through. Bolstered my patience w/ my parents, and gave me some ideas how to handle them. I also went to the Youth Caucus, which was kinda a bust, as far as I was concerned...I guess i define youth differently. There were several young folks there, but there were also some "adults", and it seemed like most of the caucus was spent with them talking about what they do for young ppl....I dunno, I just thought they might have at least thought about ASKING the young ppl there what we thought we needed....Mostly, I would have like the opportunity to just tlak w/ other young transppl...I'm really coming to the conclusion that our expereinces w/ transing are different that ppl who trans later in life, and we need different strategies.
There was also a really interesting development as to the discussion of inclusion...it began out of the ppl of color caucus wondering why there weren't any white ppl there, and led to a lot of discussion. I still haven't processed it all, but it really made me think about how we need to try and understand each other's difference.
One other really cool thing from the conference. I was joking around w/ a guy who envied my voice, saying I'd trade him my voice for his facial hair An SO overheard us and told me to try using monoxidil (Rogaine) on my face...her partner used it, and he's running around w/ a full beard now. I felt kinda silly, but I went ahead and got a bottle and started using it on my face, and lo and behold, less than two weeks later I'm already seeinga difference...the peach fuzz is all turning to blonde bristles. I still don't have much, but this is what the hair on my chin did shortly before it turned dark....so it really looks like I'm going to get my facial hair after all! Problem is, now I'm getting ingrown hairs where the hair is getting thicker, but isn't thickened completely (btw, if anyone out there knows of something to help this, please email me!) I've gotten some some advice, like exfoliating and using vitamin E oil or conditioner when I shave....I'm doing the exfoliating part, but my skin's greasy enough from the T, so I'm going to wait on the other just yet...
Hmmm...what else....After a lot of frustration w/ both the youth list and MtM, I helped get an email list going for young transguys. This isn't to say there is something majorly wrong w/ any of these lists, but I and some other guys have noticed that at times, there are problems for YOUNG guys on one list, and for young GUYS on the other...the youth list has definitly changed a lot aorund that issue, which makes me really proud of my sisters. So...we decided to create a forum for yojng guys to talk to each other, which I really like. It's brand new, so I don't know where it's going to go, but I like the concept. We shall see...
For some strange reason, my money actually seems to be holding pretty steady, which is a relief. I didn't think I'd be able to add much to my savings towards surgery, but I was hoping not to run through my savings during the semester...hopefully this trend will continue, and i can get to a point where I can put money away, not just maintain it. Tho y'know...I prolly just jinxed myself by talking about it. Heh...oh well.
I really need to do something about getting the money together soon, tho. There are just some days where getting out of bed and binding and going to class are just too much to take. I get so depressed and frustrated I just want to break things and lash out and be really mean to anyone around me, and I REALLY don't like that part of me. This isn't to say that surgery will change everything....but it's one less thing to be frustrated about. In the meantime, I bought myself a speed bag (boxing) to work out my frustrations with. I can't go to a gym really, but hopefuly this will help...help my upper body a lil too :)
4/23/98
Y'know....one of these days I will actually have time to sit here and write on a regular basis....nowadays I seem to be lucky to sleep, eat, work, AND get to class...just too much to do, to little time. Also, not all that much trans-related seems to be happening. Most of my time lately is spent doing regular stuff, like trying to pull together enough money to pay my taxes AND my rent this month (bleah). The rogaine has definatly had a positive effect on my facial hair. I can almost get a really nice looking sideburn on the right side of my face, and the left side is beginning to fill in-not enough to grow something, but it's getting there. The space in the middle of my chin is beginning to fill in as well, so it's just a matter of time before I really have a decent amount of facial hair
Also, unless for some strange reason I have problems taking out loans, I should be able to have my top surgery this fall. I'm going to take out the full amount again, and go M&F; in the fall again-and this time I'm not waiting for any insurance company. I might wait until around Thanksgiving, though, just b/c then I can have some friends w/ time around to give me a hand. Now I just gotta cross my fingers and pray as hard as I can-I'm not counting anything as certain until I have that refund check deposited in my account...and even then I don't think I'll relax until I wake up from the anesthesia.br> I had a rather odd evening last night. There was a talk on GIS systems, and afterwards some of the archaeologists went out for a beer (or 4 ). One was a female fellow grad student from my school, another was a male grad student from NYU, and two others were undergrads from my school, both guys. We were chatting and whatnot, and I noticed a couple odd comments from the female grad student...such as talking about a queer (lesbian) bar and suggesting I go there, jokingly calling me "bitch" when we were talking about apts. and rent...It wasn't until she referred to me as "she" that I realized that she's thought of me as a girl. I met her last year, prolly around the time or just after I started mones, which I'm sure influenced her, and I'm guessing the grad students hanging around from last year haven't changed their pronouns. I know one of my professor's hasn't...I had to say something to her about it. I don't really blame them-Once someone has been gendered a certain way, it is REALLY hard to change one's perception of that person's gender. And it's not like I'm around all that often-I don't have many classes, I don't hang around much, I'm working a lot.....but also I think I stay away b/c I don't really want to know what gender I'm being seen as, or to do all the work of dealing w/ correcting them. I guess that's another good reason to get done and get out of here for a while. It is interesting, tho....the guys around last night gendered me as a guy-guess I was the Incredibly Gendered Person last night...oh well :P
Hmmm..I'm sure more has happened, but I can't think of it right now.
5/28/98
Damn....a whole month since I last wrote....There's been a whole lot happening since then. First and foremost, I'm having my top surgery JULY 17!!!!!! Lemme see if I can explain how I'm doing this. I was planning on having my top done in the fall, after I got my refund from my student loans. Then, I applied for a couple credit cards, mostly to get another in my name, also b/c w/ one I could get a free membership in this student discount program...which means I can save on trips to see my gf. So anyways, much to my surprise, I got approved for a couple- a $600 Visa from Citibank, a $1700 from Amex, and a $3000 MC from AT&T.; I was blown away by this, needless to say. I didn't think about it too much, but then I was joking around online w/ some friends, saying I almost had enough credit to pay for my surgery, when it hit me. I knew some guys had paid for their surgery on cards, so I thought about it some. The idea scared me, but I figgered I'd call my surgeon and see if he takes cards...but he only takes Visa and MC. So that left me w/ the $3600, plus $300 cash advance from Amex...and an almost maxed MC from another bank. But the Amex has the best interest rate anyways, so I transfered my balance to the Amex, and I have a grand total of $4400 I can put towards my surgery. I talked to my surgeon, and he will let me pay the $600 when I get my refund in the fall. Then, yesterday I got financial aid to confirm that my loans had been approved, and viola, I scheduled my surgery!
/me bounces all over the place w/ excitement!!!!
So everything is set for that. My gf is going to come down and stay w/ me the first couple days, and my friend Sophia is going to stay with me too, for prolly a week. I'm kinda nervous about it, lil scared, too, but mostly just really happy. I keep catching myself in the mirror, and thinking...49 days, and these things will be gone... I need to buy a swimsuit!
Lessee, what else...my facial is hair is really starting to grow fast. It still is filling in-I can't grow anything still-but I'm having to shave every other day, or else I end up with shadow (which looks wierd in it's patchy state) But it is really neat to see it grow, and for the hairs to actually be visible. The rogaine is working, slowly, but faster than I was developing w/o it. I tried to use some of that "Just for Men" beard dye on my side burns, but it didn't work very well. It did dye the blond hairs dark, but the blond hairs just aren't very thick, so it didn't show up. Oh well. I'm saving it for later
Oh, I talked to the grad student I mentioned last time, and told her basically that I wasn't sure what she had heard about me, but that I am an f->m transexual, and that I prefer male pronouns, etc. She apologized profusely, and said she really didn't know. Apparently, most of the grad students call me "she" still, and since all her queer friends have been gay male queens who call each other "she", she figgered it was something like that, that I was a really butch dyke who used "he" the way the queens use "she". Then she asked me to explain the whole procedure, b/c she didn't know anything about FTM TSs. So I explained all the steps, and somewhere in there she said "Wow...I didn't realize you were going through so much. This is nothing like my friends-you've done a lot so you could be called "he" It was really cool.
6/17/98
Okay...exactly one month to go. I am really sweating the details lately. I want to make sure everything's going to be okay after surgery. I'm kinda nervous about the first week, tho. I mean, my gf is coming down and staying w/ me for the weekend, and I thought my friend was going to stay w/ me during the week (just the evenings, b/c she has to work)and now she's saying she's just going to check in...it really worries me that I'm gonna be left alone when I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do everything. It also really annoys me that my friend has given me the impression for the last year+ that I can rely on her only to have her start waffling. Just annoying.
But anyways,I'm doing what I can to get ready, everything from moving my VCR to my desk so I can reach it post-op to maxing out on pushups and taking 1000mgs of Vit. C everyday. I really hope everything is fine...
Had a great weekend. My gf came down and we had a great time . At one point we were walking around Soho, tho, and passed a bunch of kids, who called out behind us "LEZ BEE YUNS!!"...Great for her, meant she was passing, but I wasn't :/ I don't know what else I can do to pass right now. Being only 5' sure doesn't help. Neither does being pudgy. I'm working on the losing weigh part...more muscle definition, more angles will help. So would facial hair :/ It doesn't seem to be growing in anymore lately...rogaine isn't quite doing enough. Oh well...I have almost a complete line along my jaw, just not thick enough anywhere. Maybe I can grow a lil goatee just on my chin, that'd be something. I dunno...
6/26/98
T-minus 3 weeks and counting! I cannot wait until the 17th arrives! I think I'm over my worrisome state, and I'm just ready to get going. I've been working hard at losing weight before surgery. I don't know if I've lost any pounds, but I have lost a little size...I have a button down shirt which I bought to wear out, but I've had to wear tucked in b/c it was too tight in the hips. Put in on Monday, and it fit right! Talk about happy :) My khaki shorts, which I've had for several years, are starting to look huge on me, too, although that's been a while in coming. I will say, it seems to be easier to drop weight on T...not that I'm complaining!
I went to the movies this past weekend, saw several movies, including Mulan. Mulan wasn't bad, I kinda liked it. I could really understand some of the stuff like when she sings about not being the girl her parents want her to be, not seeing herself in the mirror. I also laughed my ass off when she was first trying to pass as a guy, b/c I think I actually did some of the same things . I don't think (contrary to what I've heard a lot of ppl saying) that she's FtM...she seems mostly to be a tomboy. But anyways, it was a good movie. The greatest thing about the movies, though, was being able to drink a huge movie drink and hit the men's room afterwards. They are so big and crowded no one notices you. Also, a lot of guys go into the stalls, so it's not a big deal. I stood to pee, b/c I feel safer that way, but either way, it was great to not have to worry.
My friend seems to have gotten less flakey about my surgery, although I still don't feel like I can completely trust her. She is saying now that she's going to drive me back from the surgeon's, and stay w/ me in the evenings after my gf leaves. I've also got a couple ppl from the area that I know online who have volunteered to come in during the day to help me. I think it'll be fine :)
After a lot of sweating about it, I've decided to march in the Pride parade on Sunday, with the Gender Identity Project (althought if we do the "Hey Gay Sisters, give us some space, we know we belong b/c we take our Estrace" chant too often I'm gonna go find the socialists and march w/ them-they're real good about being inclusive, and very trans-positive, ESP. towards FTMs). To avoid being mistaken for a dyke, I've done a couple things. I bought a baseball cap, and had "transboy" stiched on it. It looks great, and it'll be perfect for wearing in the Village later. I also have a couple big signs, two designs. I'm going to make a sandwich board out of them. The back one says "Join AmBoyz" and has part of the list of the ppl we include, and the front one says "Kiss me I'm FtM". I don't think I can be anymore out w/o tattooing "I am a female to male transexual" on my forehead. Just hope it works....
7/10/98
One more week to go!! I am so excited I can't sit still. I'm also feeling a lot less nervous. I went and talked to Reardon on Tuesday, and that was quite a relief. He examined me again (which I didn't expect, but he's so matter-of-fact it was okay) and then answered any questions I had. He explained exactly what he's going to do, too, which was nice. He's going to keep my nipples!!! B/c mine are small enough, he's going to keep them attached to all the nerves, and push the nipple into place through a small incision, so the only scarring I have is the horizontal incistion under the breast. He's also going to arrange the nerve stalk underneath. I may have to have that thinned 6 mos. down the road, but it will look better than a free graft, and I'll have feeling in them! I'm going to get the drains and the stiches around the nipples taken out withing 5 days, but I'll be able to shower before hand!(thank god....I was really not looking forward to a week plus of no shower). I'm going to have nylon stiches along the horizontal scars. They'll stay in about 3 weeks or so, but the longer they're in, the less they hurt coming out, apparently. So it looks like everything's going to be cool. Oh, I also talked to him about what to put on the scars afterwards. He suggested vitamin E, and aloe would work too. Anything that I feel might work probably wouldn't hurt. He also suggested those new silicone gel sheets. They are a little expensive, and you have to wear them constantly for about 3 mos., but they seem to be really effective in getting rid of scars. I'm going to put the URL for their website on my links page. They have a pic there of a scar before and after...and even given that that picture is probably their best case, that's still *really* amazing. So once my stiches are out, I'm going to use that. If I'm lucky, it'll almost completely obliterate my scars. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other news...I did march in Pride, it was actually a lot of a fun. About 60% girls, 40% guys, which was kinda nice. I saw a lot of people who I haven't seen in a while. Had a really good time, and no one (at least not obviously) read me as a girl. I'm also going home to see my parents this weekend. I hope it goes okay, but I'm not too worried. I have a friend who lives near my parents, and if things don't go well, I'll give her a call and get her to take me to the bus station. I've also been preparing to grow my facial hair out, see what I've got. I think I might be able to grow at least a sparse goatee. I've spent the last 5 weeks shaving just about every day. It's def. made my stubble thicker, so we'll see....
Next time I write will probably be after surgery, with a new flat chest!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10/8/98
Oy....let's see if this actually works THIS time....talk about puter problems....but anyways....So much has happened since I last wrote that I'm just going to break it up into categories and hope it all saves...
Surgery: Went quite well. I was sore for about 2-3 weeks, but not in huge amounts of pain (I think the compression vest helps that a lot), all of which was controlled by tylenol. I got to see my new chest the Monday after my surgery, and it looked pretty good, despite the stiches. I even got to take a shower that night, albeit w/ the help of my girlfriend. I did have some complications, tho. My right nipple didn't take right, and I lost the nipple itself. I ended up w/ a big hole in my chest that really freaked me out for a while. The hole closed down to a slit, though, and in January Dr. Reardon is going to fix it w/ a skin graft, make it look right. The left side is beyond my expectations. It looks normal, the nipple works like it's supposed to-contracts when it's cold, etc., and I even have feeling in it! In fact, I have feeling in most of my chest, and did almost immediatly. Not bad for someone who was a 40DD. I was back at work 10 days after surgery, though I took it easy for 6 weeks. I tried to make sure that I didn't stretch my scars, but that didn't seem to be a problem. The incision areas were kinda tight, and I could tell when I was reaching too far. And it doesn't look like there were any problems with that at all.
Scars: Not too bad. there's some scarring around my good nipple, but you can't really tell unless you know it's there. The ones across my chest are pretty noticeable, tho. I used some Vit. E oil at first, partially b/c my scars were very itchy, then switched to pure cocoa butter, which I liked the feel of much better. I used the silicone gel for a while, but I stopped for a bit b/c 1) they don't stay in place to well when you're hot, so I wanted to let the weather get cooler; and 2) I was starting to have some skin reactions to the tape. So I'm taking a break and just using the cocoa butter. They're not so bad as to prevent me from going swimming this weekend, tho . When I get the photos developed and get access to a scanner, I'll post pics of my chest.
Name Change: I'm finally going ahead and getting a court ordered name change. I realized that I'm going to be moving next summer, and I want my full name change before then (driver's liscence could be a real problem otherwise). I also realized I needed to change the name on my transcripts before I apply for Ph.D programs. Rutgers and UMBC just need my DL, but Smith is requiring a court order. So I need to get that done. Actually, changing it at Rutgers was kinda funny. I graduated from Douglass, the women's college at Rutgers University. The registrar decided, though, that there couldn't be a "gentleman" who graduated from Douglass, so my records have been transferred to Rutgers College, one of the coed undergrad colleges. Can't decide if I like that or not....But anyways, I'm getting everything together to file my petition for a name change. Since I still don't want to pay for a lawyer, I'm going to do it myself. My gf let me copy her name change info (since we're in the same state it works), and I'm getting my ducks in a row. The actual petition isn't a big deal, what's going to cause me the most problems will be getting affadavits from Dr. Reardon, my reg. doc, and my shrink. Actually, not that big a deal. I talked w/ my doc today, and she said she has no problem signing as affadavit, but she has to clear it w/ her boss first (ya know, clinic liability, etc.) That shouldn't be a problem, they talked w/ my shrink before giving me mones. My shrink won't be a problem, she's done this many times before. I was worried about getting Dr. Reardon's notarized, b/c he's always really busy, but I found out one of the women who work in his office (his bookkeeper, I think) is a notary public, so that won't be a problem at all. So I just have to write it all up, make photocopies of all the stuff in my new name, and file it. Hopefully it'll go okay.../me crosses his fingers and prays.
Other stuff: Well, I found a gym to go to. Costs as much for a year as Columbia does for a semester just to use a locker. I checked it out Sunday, even went into the men's locker room to get through to the pool. There were some guys in there, no funny looks. The shower is just one room, but I can shower in my trunks, change in a corner. The pool isn't huge, but servicable, and has lots of lap swim times. The weight room isn't gorgeous either, but all the equipment's there and works. Sounds like a plan to me I also got a second job working at the office of student affairs. They wanted a grad student so that person could handle files, and they were really happy to get a guy to lift the heavy stuff (/me grins a big ol' grin) It still amazes me that no one has any clue that I'm trans, but they don't. This time I'm relaxed enough about it that it isn't killing me like it did when I was at JTS. So I get to be a regular guy here, and it's really relaxing. I have found that I don't talk about my past too much, though....too much to explain that way. But oh well. It's a good job, and I really like it there. I'm also in the middle of trying to build myself a PC. I'm just waiting for a few parts before I begin. I just hope it works, but if it does, I'll be actually able to websurf from home-what a concept!
Whew...looks like I made it through w/o losing all this. Now I can start updating more often....
10/11/98
I realized when I finished my last entry that I forgot the most important thing.....I HAVE FACIAL HAIR NOW!!!! Well, at least an attempt at it. After my surgery I went about 2 weeks without shaving, and discovered I almost have a pretty decent jawline beard. It's still kinda patchy, so I shaved most of it off, just left the stuff on my chin. So I have a thin lil goatee now, which seems to make all the difference-that and my surgery. I haven't had a problem w/ being read as a girl in a long time, and I'm finally beginning to relax into being a guy, which is really nice. Also discovered I can suddenly get up off my ass and get things-namely, my thesis-going.
Another big thing-I went swimming for the first time in years today! I joined a city-owned gym downtown-it was really cheap, pretty clean, and I wouldn't run into anyone I know there. It was really cool. I got there, changed into trunks ( I was already wearing a jockstrap w/ my condom-n-hairgel stuffer in it), showered off, and hopped in the pool. Swam 500 yards (not much, I know, but hey, I'm outta shape! And I was lapping guys w/ 2 feet of reach on me...). Afterwards I showered in my trunks, then went to my locker, pulled on my shirt, pulled off my trunks and jock, and pulled on my shorts. Not even a second glance. What a relief! Now, all I need is some bengay
Oh, and I started taking T.Ethanate just after surgery. It seems to have made a difference. My chest has gotten quite a bit hairier since then , and my libido's gone up (I dunno if that's a good thing, tho...) Either way, I like it, and I'm gonna stick w/ it if I can.
