This is an archive of a transition diary spanning between 2000 - 2002, documenting the author's social transition, getting hormones, and eventually top surgery. Unfortunately, much of it is missing. I preserved what I could from the Wayback Machine.JULY 7th:
I made an appointment with my Dr. today. I told her I was a lesbian the last time I went to see her. Its hard to tell someone right away that you are an FTM, especially when you've only met once or twice before. She took the news really well. I hope she takes it that well when I tell her that I am really an FTM!
Tonight my wife asked me to hide my binder so that her son wouldn't see it and ask all sorts of questions....I don't think she is dealing well with this even though she said she will support my descision to go through with the transition.
JULY 11th:
Boy was I wrong about Shelley not dealing well! We went away this weekend and discussed my transition alot...all is really well! She even is getting me a stand-up peeing penis for my birthday! Cool!
JULY 14th:
I just got my new packer in the mail! Damn, it looks and feels real! And only $10. Can you believe it! I also went to GNC and got some Andro and tribulus terrelius to help my T levels come up. My wife, Shelley, is still very supportive of me....so life goes on!
JULY 17th:
Today I go to work packing, bound and ready to hear all the whispers behind my back...oh well...it's their problem to deal with. As long as I'm true to myself...I don't care what they think! Tomorrow is my Dr. apointment. As the Joker from the Batman movie said..."wait til they get a load of me!" LOL!
*Footnote* No-one seemed to notice at work or even cared...I'm still just "Mel" to everyone.
JULY 19th:
I couldn't believe how supportive my Dr. was. She told me that a couple of her collegues are MTF, and that she would confer with them to get me all set up with an endo specialist and get me any help I need!! How cool is that!! It really takes a load of weight off me.
JULY 30th:
My Dr. called and said she is having difficulty finding an endo for me...I am sending her a packet of info I've gleaned from the net to help. If I have to drive a couple hours away to see one, I will. In the mean time, I'm taking some over-the-counter Andro Tek I got at the GNC Nutrition Center. It needs to be cycled and time will tell if its working at all
AUGUST 29th:
Its been awhile since my last entry...not too much happening. I've been a bit down because its taking so long just to get to see my therapist...oh yeah! I forgot to mention my Dr. got hold of a therapist for me to see on the 14th of Sept. He has seen several MTF's before so I hope that it won't take much longer before I can start the T shots...I'll keep my fingers crossed. My insurance co. is paying for 1/2 of the therapist bill...thank God for that!
SEPT. 3rd:
Shelley and I visited her folks at their new RV campgrounds today..it was kinda funny cause a couple next to them introduced themselves and welcomed mom and dad to the park. Without batting an eye, mom introduced me as their "son-in-law"! It was a great feeling! Still waiting for the 14th of this month for my first meeting with the therapist...hope its not much longer for the "T" to begin.
SEPT. 9th:
Not much to say really, only that I am very eager to have my first visit to the therapist. I need to ask him for a letter confirming that I am being seen by him for "gender dysphoria" so that I can start working on a legal name change. Here in N.Y. you have to have what is called "6 points" of ID to get any kind of new ID. (Makes my head hurt). I am also going to check on how much it would cost to have the courts approve a name change, but will still need the Dr.'s letter. Oh well...no-one said this would be easy.
SEPT. 14th:
I met with my therapist for the first time today. Really nice guy, who seems to genuinely care about his patients. He seems to feel that I've done my "homework" on the subject of FTM, and that in one or maybe two more visits he will feel comfortable with writing a letter for me to get name changes, an "endo" for the T shots, etc. Wow! Maybe for X-mas I can get my "T"! It will be so nice to have my body start to come into line with who I really am.
SEPT. 15th:
I asked one of my bosses if he would submit the paperwork to change my name on my payroll stub. He said he sees no problem and the paystub will reflect my new name on the next payday. Thats "1 point" towards a new driver's liscense. Only 5 more and I'm there!
I have to add a personal observation here... I noticed the other day that several courser, darker hairs ar starting to grow on my forearms and belly beneath my navel. I guess the Andro-Tek I'm taking is doing something.
SEPT. 23rd:
I got my paycheck yesterday and it gave me a real good feeling to see my new name on it. Called the health insurance co. and will be getting a new health card in my new name soon. Thats "3 points"! Only 3 left!
SEPT. 28th:
Had my visit with the Dr. He is writing a letter for me so that as soon as I get all 6 points towards my new name, I can take it into the DMV and get a new drivers liscense. He also would like to talk with Shelley to make sure she is comfortable with my transition. As soon as he does, I believe he will give me the go-ahead for the "T" shots. I hope its soon. I'm getting really "antsy" about starting the shots.
OCT. 8th:
I've decided to be up front with my therapist, and ask him out-right when I can start the shots. I've waited over twenty years for this and my patience is wearing thin! Shelley and I are talking to him on the 19th. He wants to be sure she is o.k. with the transition before he recommends the "T" shots. Hope everything goes well.
OCT. 20th:
Shelley and I talked to the Dr. last night. After all was said and done, I came right out and asked point blank, when he would refer me to an endo. He said he probably would at our next visit. I will try and make my next appointment for a couple of weeks from now.
NOV. 7th:
I am really jazzed this week! I have an interview for a new, much better job, as a male! I saw my therapist today and showed him that I have all but "2 points" towards my name change, and those will be taken care of on Friday of this week, and he is going to try to get me an endo appointment as soon as possible, due to my health insurance changing with a new job. I am keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes without a hitch.
NOV. 18th:
Yesterday I went to the local Social Security office to see about getting a new SS card with my correct name on it. I filled out the form and stood in line at the window. I kept thinking that they would say "no" and that would be that. To my surprise, they put the info through their computer and had me check the printout for any errors. There it was! Gender: M! They said I will get my new card in the mail in about 10 days....then its off to the DMV! Its been almost 2 weeks since my Dr. said he would get me in touch with and endo....what is taking so long! I'll e-mail him and find out where he is at on that subject. By christmas, I would really like to be on the "T" for a kind of x-mas present to myself.
NOV. 27th:
Got my Social security card in the mail, now I have to show it to my bank to get a monthly bank statement in my new name and I'm set to go to the DMV. So now I have the "6 points" and I'm legally a male as far as the US government goes, so I should be happy...right?. Why is it taking so long to get an endo appointment? I'm frustrated and getting depressed. I try not to dwell on it and just go about my daily work, but I can't help it...damn it! I want to get started on the T! 20 yrs. is a long enough wait!.
DEC. 13th:
Still frustrated, and still waiting.....this SUCKS! No X-mas present for me I guess.
DEC. 19th:
I was kinda forced to come out to my bosses at work due to several co-worker comments about my appearance. "Mel has a dick", or "Mel is really different." They (the bosses) went straight to their attorneys. They want me to sign a release form letting them have card blanche access to any of my heatlth records. I say "NOT!" They can discuss it with my therapist, and I will give permission for that, but my personal health stuff is off limits to them and their lawyers!
On the brighter side...I found out why my health records never got to the endo, and that problem has been solved. As soon as the holidays are over, I should hear from the Dr. to set up my endo appointment.
DEC. 23rd:
Well, X-mas is going to be a bit strained this year. Shelley's grandma died last nite and the emotions are running high. Its hard anytime a loved one passes, but its exceptionally hard this time of year. I will do my best to be there for her and the family, though I myself do not deal well with the goings-on that surround a funeral.
JAN. 5th:
Got an e-mail from my therapist today. He said that he finally got my health records and hopefully on the 16th at my next appointment he will have some info on an endo for me! Yea!!!!! He also stated he is willing to help me with my bosses absurd request for all my medical records. Can't wait til the 16th!! Hope he has good news as far as the endo goes.
JAN. 16th:
Saw my therapist today and we talked about the little problem I have with the bosses at work wanting me to sign over my rights to all my health records. He said he'd check into a lawyer for me, and I'll let my boss know that I won't be signing anything! He also told me he would have my endo referral letter in the mail by the end of next week!!!!
JAN.19th, 2001:
Talked to my boss at work to let him know I wouldn't be signing the form he gave me. Turns out he never read the damn thing before handing it to me and was sorry for any problems it may have caused. We talked a bit about gender dysphoria and he now has a bit better understanding of what it is and how I will be transitioning at work. I let my therapist know that a lawyer isn't needed at this time and he told me he would mail out my endo referral letter by the end of next week. YEEEEHAAAAAA!!!!!!
JAN.23rd, 2001:
OK!!! Someone get a gun and shoot me, please! I got the flu! And I feel like sh_t! Well I'm gonna go to bed for a few days so I'll talk at you all later. Bye!!
FEB. 1st, 2001:
Feeling much like my old self again! Well now for the good news....I have an appointment with an endo on the 26th of this month!!! I can't wait...but I will. Whats another couple weeks after I've waited all my life!
MARCH 1st, 2001:
I gave my self my first "T" shot on Tuesday Feb. 27th. The day after my endo appointment. It felt good to finally have those male hormones coursing through me, but other than that it was very uneventful. The next day my thigh was a bit sore but it served to remind me that soon I'll begin to see the changes in my body I waited years to see.
MARCH 10th, 2001:
Its a day or two after my second shot and it may be my imagination, but my voice has started to drop a bit, and cracks every so often. I also seem to be a bit more stimulated as of late when I think about Shelley in any way, shape, or form. I have always been visually aroused easily but now its even worse, or better depending on how you look at it. (Better for me, tiring for her) The day after my first shot I got what I hope will be my last period, and only time will tell if thats the case.
MARCH 18th, 2001:
Well...its not my imagination! After almost 4 weeks on "T", my voice has definitley changed. It has become much deeper, especially in the mornings and levels out towards the end of the day. It has reached a plateau for now, but I expect it will drop some more as time goes by. I'm horny most of the time (Shelley says "whats new!") and my "micro-phallus" is very sensitive to touch at this point. The fuzz on my upper lip has become slightly more course, and my side burns seem to be coming in just a tad lower than before. This is really an exciting time for me as I "missed" my first male adolesence due to a cruel joke of nature! Can't wait to see if I end up with some chest hair!
MARCH 25th, 2001:
Well, what can I say....Friday I realized that I need to be a bit more careful with regards to strength and my job. I was tightening a bolt on my machine and thought I was turning it the same as always when to my surprise, I sheared it right off! I banged up a couple fingers in the process and had to go get a tetinis shot. Guess my workouts are really working! LOL!
Many entries are missing but I managed to find these two from 2002 after the author got top surgery:APRIL 9th, 2002:
Its been 5 days since the surgery and I look great! Dr. Brownstein is truely an artist at what he does! For those of you who have read about the pain and discomfort involved in this type of surgery, I just want to say....I personally have experienced no pain...no real discomfort, and any kind of sensation is more like having done one too many butterfies on a weight machine. Thats it! The horror stories you've read or heard about are coming from guys who apparently don't deal with surgery well in the first place and should be taken with a grain of salt. I have very little swelling, no pain, and am doing most everything I want to do, except that I don't lift anything of any real weight as per Dr.'s orders. If you go to my transition pics page, I am posting pics of my new chest as I take them.
APRIL 16th, 2002:
Everyday the swelling of the rt. pec at the sternum goes down a bit more and the soreness of the muscles is gone completely. I do however want to comment on the superficial discomfort of clothing that touches the skin. It is bothersom but is tolerable and with time I'm sure it will subside. The scabs on the nipples are just starting to slough off and a little bit of the tape covering the insicions is starting to peel off as well. In about 5 more days, I will be able to go without a binder at all, as per Dr.'s orders. I wear it at night when I sleep for added comfort and I wear it on and off as needed during the day. I've started to be able to sleep on my side again which is wonderful cause I was losing sleep having to stay on my back all the time. So I guess I can say life is returning to normal. I can't wait til I'm able to start working out again and lose a few pounds.
It's A Boy © 2000 - 2002
