This was written by Peter and published in FORGE Volume 4, Issue 7. FORGE (For Ourselves: Reworking Gender Expression) was a FTM+ newsletter and social support group co-founded by Michael Munson. This was found on the Wayback Machine.My Bi-Trans Connection
I never identified strongly as lesbian, but I do have a few things I'd like to share as a bisexual-identified gender-searching individual. I am very aware that people whose support systems have largely been the lesbian community can and do lose many people in their lives when making the physical transition to male. As one would guess, I have had the exact opposite experience.
My bisexuality has directly led me to my exploration of gender possibilities. When I was first coming out, I found great joy in loving women as a woman. Later, I was introduced to cross-dressing through a bisexual lover and with him, I discovered the comfort and companionship of feeling like two men together. I also met transgendered people in the bi community, some of whom became my friends, and I attended "gender-bender" parties that a bisexual friend hosted.
I found that I liked being mistaken for a man in public and that I liked the physical, sexual and social freedom I felt when I put on a male persona. Lately, I also have been encouraging myself to enjoy my sexuality more as a woman and to feel less shame in general about being female, and this goes hand in hand with exploring my male nature. For me, all of this is about giving myself permission to be different than I was taught to be. It's about breaking the bonds of the identities that were defined for me, not by me.
Right now, I'm considering taking hormones. I may transition totally to a male body, or I may not. The outcome (if there is such a thing) of my exploration doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I'm not limiting my gender options anymore, and because of this, I'm going places inside myself that I never thought existed.
Peter © 1999
