This was written by Michael Munson and published in FORGE Volume 4, Issue 9. FORGE (For Ourselves: Reworking Gender Expression) was a FTM+ newsletter and social support group co-founded by Michael Munson. This was found on the Wayback Machine.Freedom from Within
"… and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." -John 8:31-32
How could anything contained in the Bible relate to coming out as Trans? While I certainly don't ascribe to much of the rhetoric in the Bible, there is much wisdom in the words, read as the words that they are, without extrapolating other meaning to them.
As I found myself wandering into the Trans community many years ago, I noticed that some people had, indeed, found their truth, found comfort in their identity and in sharing their true selves with others. Some Trans people, though, seemed desperately unhappy, unfulfilled, lonely and isolated.
I pondered on what made some trannies happy and well-adjusted, while others seemed so despairing, so desolate. One of the things I noticed about the people who seemed happy, was that they were out. They didn't dwell on what people would think of them, or fret over if they passed well enough or not, or even, in many cases, whether they would lose their jobs or their friends. They were confident people. They were sure of themselves, even though they weren't sure of what their future would be. They knew their identity and held it up to the light illuminating their path, and one step at a time moved on their journey. They knew the freedom that would come in speaking their truth, in acting on the truth they saw within.
While I noticed these traits in trannies long before I even considered transitioning, it made me realize something very important. I was concerned for a brief time about being perceived as a freak, a misfit, a pervert. I was afraid to take action about feeling male and appearing female. Then I realized: I already am a freak, a misfit, a pervert! Could it really be worse than how I was already living? Maybe. Maybe not.
At the time I was trying to figure out how to put words to what I had felt for so many years, I was a psychology major in college. The work of Humanist psychologist Abraham Maslow became a cornerstone in framing my thoughts.
The focus of the humanistic perspective is on people's conscious experiences and perceptions, and on freeing them from disabling assumptions and attitudes, so that they can develop their potentialities and live fuller lives. Its emphasis is thus on growth and self-actualization rather than on the cure of disease or alleviation of disorder.
As I recently reread the basic tenets of humanism, I realized just how much of it relates to my transgendered experience, and how I've chosen to live my life.
Some people view being transgendered as a hindrance, something they wish weren't there, something they are ashamed of, that only poses challenges and reaps no benefits. While I used to consider myself a pessimist, as I started coming out as a dyke, then as queer, then as trans, then as an even bigger queer, I realized that I must be an optimist. I love being trans. Being trans opened up a world I didn't realize existed. It's a world of freedom, a world in which I have choices, and I have a say in my own destiny. I had come to terms with my conscious experiences and perceptions and had freed myself from disabling assumptions and attitudes. And I wanted to start living a fuller life. Each day, I realize the potential that exists - just in the fact that it is a new day, a day in which I can be live fully and without fear.
Many trans people do "stealth" transitions - move to a new city, change jobs, do everything they can so that no one has to know that they are trans. I have taken a totally opposite approach. I have stayed in the same city, in my same apartment building, continued to eat at the same restaurants, have the same job, same partner, same just about everything. I AM NOT A DIFFERENT PERSON!! Why should I have to change my life in order to accommodate other people's possible discomfort?
While, of course, it is wise to be sensitive to the people around us, it is also important to be sensitive to ourselves, to allow for the freedom of expression and the speaking of our own truths.
Sometimes the truth isn't what we want it to be. Sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it's just unexpected.
One of the most difficult aspects of coming out for me has been the multitudes of ways I've needed to come out.
Like many of us, I have come out several times to the same people. First as gay, then as lesbian, then as a radical lesbian feminist, then as a dyke, then as a leatherdyke, then as a genderbender, then as transgendered, then as transsexual, then as queer, then as a trannyfag, then as a queer who doesn't have a primary partner that looks queer in the same way, then... what will be next?
I have only recently begun to feel the freedom of coming out as a queer who has a primary partner that others don't see as the same type of queer as I am. So much emphasis is always on queer = gay, and gay = looks the same, acts the same, is the same. I'm very queer. So is my partner. But we are queer in radically different ways (to the outside world) and are queer in dramatically similar ways (to each other, internally, in the privacy of our own homes).
A few years ago, people started seeing me as a gay man. I thought this was an amazing "accomplishment". I was being seen for how I felt! But then it started to feel trapping. I was gay to them/queer to me. But I certainly wasn't gay in the way they assumed I was. I needed to live in their reality of my gayness, my queerness. It strengthened me as a person for a while because it was how I wanted them to see me, how I feel I am, matching my internal identity; and then it started eating away at me, at my personhood. I knew it was time to come out about how I am queer, in my own unique way. By far, of all the types of coming out to people I've done, this is the most difficult, but I also believe it is the most freeing.
It takes courage to see who we are. And even greater courage to share who we are with others. Sometimes the steps are small. Sometimes they are larger than we could ever have imagined.
The freedom obtained though self-actualization and introspection, and sharing parts of ourselves with others, is certainly worth the challenge of coming to know and live those truths.
Michael Munson © 1999
