This was written by Dion Manley and published in FORGE Volume 4, Issue 9. FORGE (For Ourselves: Reworking Gender Expression) was a FTM+ newsletter and social support group co-founded by Michael Munson. This was found on the Wayback Machine.Can I just Piss in Peace Here?!
Here we are, driving on the road and I gotta go bad. I'm debating…which to use, which to use … same old anxiety heightened with the physical need to relieve myself. We pull up, to a café and gas station alone among the Plains. That familiar sinking feeling, while I sit there. My partner leaves the car to get the gas. I get my guts up once again and go into the men's room. Ahhh, quiet! I pull my pants down, and prepare to do the deed. Bam!! Into the bathroom walk three very loud, very rowdy men!
A moments panic but I calm myself down thinking that there's 2 other stalls and they'll be out in a few seconds. Real wrong. Eternity passes and I begin to wonder if they had viewed me as female and want to kick my ass. They were shouting, laughing and banging each other into things while nobody took a leak! I feared they'd slam the door to my stall any second yelling for me to come on out of there.
I finally managed to take care of biz then just sat there afraid to move... They were still in there! I pulled my pants up fast now failing to remain calm. "What are they talking about?! Why don't they just leave!! Is it too much to ask just to take a piss?! What are they gonna do? What's taking so damn long here?!" I gave in and just curled up in my seated position inside the stall. My having a tendency toward personalizing things and being sensitive was not helping here. I began sizing these men up and what they could do to me. Then suddenly a wave rushed through my body with a realization that I'd rather get beat up than put myself through entering another women's bathroom. I also contemplated other obvious possible realities with this situation, but it was not going to stop me from entering or exiting anymore.
This being a few years ago, the sound of the door slamming open as they entered and their loud echoing voices still ring in my memory. As does my cold sweaty panic, while breathing hard trying to be absolutely quiet. I realize that when I opened the door to walk out of that men's room, I was ready to face whatever truly being myself had to bring.
Dion Manley © 1999
